Umbrellas (ellas ellas eh?)

 She wasn't where she had been.
She wasn't where she was going.
but she was on her way.

One day in college I had a huge semester group project for a class. It was a LOT of work, and I wondered how we could get everything done when deadlines were so hectic (oh the planner that is me). One guy in my group (definitely a class clown) simply looked at me, shrugged, slipped into a half-smirk and said, "Well Amber when it rains it pours."

He was so comical with that cliche phrase, but I took it to heart. And still say it to myself nowadays, touched by his calm nature in the thick of chaos.

SCT's Harold and the Purple Crayon world premiere 

It has most definitely been pouring in my world for the last couple of months (pun intended). It's hard to not be overwhelmed, to feel nervous or frustrated or upset or afraid or... [insert every other emotion]. It feels like I'm about to be swept away any second, overcome and washed away, or maybe just soaked to the bone stuck in the same spot without a single ability to change that. I'm not going to pretend that I have any of the answers or secrets to any of it. It's just life.

Ohhh but you should... Dance in the rain! Sing in the rain! and blahblahblah Sure.


But sometimes we do need an umbrella.
Sometimes just to keep breathing is everything.
Sometimes it is about hanging on.

Nothing more and nothing less. Why do we belittle that notion? The idea that if we're not living something deeper than the act of hanging in there we're not living at all? (which yes, I agree with to a degree). But I also believe that to go through the motions is not to be frowned upon. To hang on during the storm is an accomplishment.

Someone marveled today at what I've done- moving across the country by myself to a state with no established family or friends. With just me, my car, and whatever fit inside. She called me one of the bravest, strongest souls she had ever met. I told her one of my deep secrets- that I don't feel brave or strong in the slightest. I never have. And she said
and that's exactly why you are the bravest soul. 

 I know that the rain is harsh. It is cold, it is wet, it slaps you in the face and destroys every ounce of control you thought you had over your hair.
I know that the rain is beautiful. It makes things grow. It provides life. It washes away the bad, and what's left standing at the end of the day is whoever you are. So hang in there. Buy an umbrella. Even if it's a cheap $5 black one you never envisioned having. There will be a more beautiful umbrella down the road. And by that point you might not even feel so desperate for one at all.

 And for all those times I don't have an umbrella with me? Thanks for letting me stand under yours. I only hope I can repay your kindness.

The best thing one can do when it's raining is to let it rain.
-Henry Wadsworth Longfellow




These fancy things, will never come in between
You're part of my entity, here for Infinity
When the war has took it's part
When the world has dealt it's cards
If the hand is hard, together we'll mend your heart
When the sun shines, we'll shine together
Told you I'll be here forever
Said I'll always be a friend
Took an oath I'll stick it out till the end
Now that it's raining more than ever
Know that we'll still have each other
You can stand under my umbrella 
- Rihanna

Waiting for Ladybugs

It's one big transition phase for me right now- transitioning to being a true "Seattleite" (yes, that's what they call themselves) from starting over again with buying furniture to applying for a Washington license to transferring Rupert (my car) to a Washington plate and other such things. EEEEEEP! It's difficult, because I like being in control and I like having everything figured out and organized. I want everything to work out all at once and quickly. I don't mind change, but I do not like the transition time between the changes.

Then I think of one of my favorite movies, Under the Tuscan Sun. If you love art/writing/Italy/gorgeous scenery/inspirational messages, go watch it. It's about a woman who loses every type of security she has through unfortunate events and gives up what's left to move to Tuscany where she doesn't know anyone there (or Italian for that matter) or what she's going to do with her life. She struggles through the transition, and a wise someone she meets in Italy says the following to her: 

" Listen Frances, when I was a little girl I used to spend hours looking for ladybugs. Finally, I'd just give up and fall asleep in the grass. When I woke up, they were crawling all over me."  


After hearing that, ladybugs always held this significance in my life. That if I'm constantly running around trying to catch ladybugs and fireflies (and perhaps... my dreams and goals...) that all that will happen is a breathless, exhausted, discouraged, empty-handed me. It always seems to be those moments when I sit down, breathe in and embrace wherever I am, and calm my mind that a ladybug softly drop onto my shoulder, my shoe, my dress, and my fingertip. And then, the rest of the ladybugs come out too.


Of course, we have to work to get to the meadow in the first place. We can't just sit down in whatever climate we choose and hope that the ladybugs will come. We have to plan and think about where to go and at times fight tree branches and hills and mountains to get to the right place. It's not always easy. It's not always fun or glamorous or exciting. The woods don't always love us back. But once we've done all we can do to place ourselves where we need to be, we must be patient for the ladybugs to come. And somehow they always do one way or another even if it's not in the way or time we expected.


If you're fighting through woods and mountains, then keep on walking to the place you need to be. And if you're there, look around and enjoy the view, and find the beauty and patience in waiting for ladybugs.   




"Signora, between Austria and Italy, there is a section of the Alps called the Semmering. It is an impossibly steep, very high part of the mountains. They built a train track over these Alps to connect Vienna and Venice. They built these tracks even before there was a train in existence that could make the trip. They built it because they knew some day, the train would come."
- Martini in Under the Tuscan Sun

Words Words Words (and Hamlet)

 From child sayings like
Sticks and stones may break your bones but words can never hurt you...
to songs like
You are beautiful in every single way, words can't bring you down....
Everyone seems to have an idea of what words mean or don't mean.


Well here's my idea.
These are all wrong.
Besides our actions and the silences in between, words are the most powerful thing in the entire world.
If this weren't so, then speeches would never create a reaction, books would never hold interest, theatre wouldn't captivate an audience with laughter or strike them silent with its depth. Writing would mean, nothing.

Here I am on my soapbox (and let's face it: at barely 5' tall I could use one) and you're probably wondering, where does this come from? Let's just say I'm interacting on a daily basis with someone who is constantly cutting every part of me down in just about every way. I've had theatre professors analyze every step of my movement, personality, and my acting techniques and approaches; I've had English professors and editors cut my writing into red ink bleeding chunks of paper to be revised; I've had people redirect everything from my sewing to painting technique, and I have never felt cut down from it like I do now. I suppose that's because each of those moments was never a personal insult but an opportunity to learn and grow and make myself better. I've never had someone cut me down like this before, and I must admit, it's really brought me down and making me feel lousy and miserable.

It's making me realize just how much words can change our day and how we feel. And it's making me appreciate the positive words that much more.

Who knows what someone is really going through? What if they're having a bad day? What if they're going through a rough time? Who knows what a simple kindness can do for them. I know what it does for me.
So choose your words wisely. They are yours and people might watch your actions, but that doesn't mean they're not listening too.

As for me, don't worry because I know I will be okay. I can accept that words can bring me down, because then that means words have the power to lift me back up again.
Thanks for letting me feel important on my soapbox,
-A

A word is dead
When it is said,
Some say.
I say it just
Begins to live
That day.
Emily Dickinson

One Day at a Time

Peaceful Seattle things

 Since I'm being completely honest, I'll tell you that I have a huge weakness: Worrying.

I love keeping things organized, planning things out, and focusing on small details to make things the best they can be. But go overboard on those things, and then I've also got loads of stress and worry on my mind. It's something I've dealt with my entire life. And after yet another night of not falling asleep, of tossing and turning and planning and thinking and stressing about the next steps, I've come to terms with the fact that this is a huge problem I have.
It needs to stop.

 Why do I do this and how do I stop? I don't have all the answers. I know it's not going to be easy. I know it's something I'm going to struggle with every day I wake up, every night I go to bed.

 It's too easy to worry about everything- being so far away from everything I know, with all of these unknowns ahead of me. I think we all feel like this. Maybe you don't have this problem, maybe you don't worry and stress about things as much as I do. Maybe you worry and stress more than I do. But here's my only advice- and this is me forcing myself to face this reality and take a dose of my own medicine-


1. Take each day in bite size pieces, One day at a time because...

Today is the tomorrow we worried about yesterday.  ~Author Unknown


2. When the future seems too much, when you don't know how you will make it, if things will be okay, look backwards and see all of the lovely traces behind you

Let us be of good cheer, remembering that the misfortunes hardest to bear are those which will never happen.
  ~James Russel Lowell

3 years ago I was stressing and worrying about what I would do with my life. I was so lost. Then I rediscovered theatre, which lead to me finding a huge part of myself.


6 months ago I was stressing and worrying and losing sleep over what I would do after college, where I would go, if I would make it to Seattle, if I would be happy, etc. etc. 

And now I look back and see that everything was more than okay. I worked for my dream theatre, found a job that works perfectly with theatre, found a place to live... It all has worked out beautifully, one day at a time.
 And now will be no different. 

Do we have to work hard and plan right for good things to happen? Absolutely.
But there is a point when all we can do is accept that the future is out of our hands after that, to trust God, and to stop wasting so much of today stressing about tomorrow.

Almost a year ago :)

I am working on this.
Thank you for loving me and standing by me through it.
Here's to your adventures, to enjoying where you are on the way to where you're going

ps. Feel free to give all the advice you've got. I'm all ears.

"Of course what you're doing is hard. It's what most people only sit around and talk about doing without ever doing anything, and that's easy. Being home is easy. So it's okay to say that it's hard. Don't feel bad about that. Being brave is never easy." - Sheri Williams

People gather bundles of sticks to build bridges they never cross.  ~Author Unknown

Keep Holding On

 Dear readers,

Since you take precious time to read my thoughts, I feel that I owe you my honesty. So here's me, doing just that. (you have been warned)

Getting on a plane to take me back to Seattle was the hardest thing I've ever done.

I cried the whole day, getting on each plane, during the plane ride, getting off each plane, and then when I got to my apartment. I did not stop crying until I fell asleep.  I do not remember a time in my life where I have ever done that. Ever. I could not compose myself, I could not stop myself from crying all day. And even yesterday, and even today.

Seattle is a dream come true for me, and I always joked with mom about why people would ever live in Oklahoma, why people would ever go back there.

 She would always say, "because of the people that are there."

She was right. I have been so busy these past few months (and really, don't feel like I've stopped working constantly since I started college) that my brain didn't have time to grasp just how much I miss home, how much I miss my family, my friends.

Everything in me screams to be back home with you. To be there for you. To be with you. But I know that I need to be here, and I do love Seattle. Please don't misunderstand me. It's such a beautiful place and I'm having all of these amazing opportunities and life changing experiences, but I think that it's okay to accept that I can feel that way, especially after getting to visit home.

 I don't have much advice to give today. I'm feeling kind of down myself, and probably will for awhile until I get back into the swing of things with a busy schedule. I just signed a lease to live in an adorable house in Seattle with a sweet housemate, and will be spending the next few weeks moving in and readjusting.

If I could tell you anything (and maybe what I need to hear too), is to keep holding on. We'll make it through. You'll make it through whatever you're going through. And so will I. But that doesn't mean that we should suppress "negative" emotions. In fact I'm starting to think that there should be no such thing as a negative emotion.

In a book I read for acting once (called No Acting Please), the author Eric Morris argues that all emotions we experience are just as real, just as important as the other, and that to suppress any emotion is to deny  ourselves the realization that we are alive, that we are breathing, that we are human. And that is a beautiful thing.
He says that we should embrace our emotions and accept them instead of pushing them away and trying to pick which emotions we "should" feel. They are natural, and isn't it normal to feel them all? He challenges actors (and all people alike) to stop blocking their hearts from feeling angry, mad, sad, disappointed, bitter, jealous, livid, depressed, upset, etc etc. Because once we can recognize the emotion and allow ourselves to feel it, then we can grow and learn and change and the other emotions like happiness will be that much even greater.

I'm not going to fight it. I am sad. I feel down and upset and missing all of you. It feels like a part of my heart is missing

Yep, still fit into the prom dresses

And that's probably because it is. It is with you.

So take good care of it?

And in the meantime, just keep holding on. And reaching out for help, reaching out to help, because that's why we are all here. To love each other.

 I'm off now to my first professional audition in a couple of hours, and I know that it will be good for me to get back into the swing of auditioning and acting. I wouldn't normally tell you that, but it is my first one, and I thought I'd let you know that while I'm feeling all of these sad things, I'm not going to let it dictate 100% of my actions (and neither should you).

Thank you for your advice, for your encouragement, for your prayers, for your time, for your thoughts, and for your love. I need them more than you could know.

-Amber Lee



"Celebrate the struggle. It is beautiful. It lets you know that you're alive." - Brigitte Mahaney

 "Feelings are not supposed to be logical. Dangerous is the man who has rationalized his emotions." -David Borenstein

"You cannot make yourself feel something you do not feel, but you can make yourself do right in spite of your feelings." - Pearl S. Buck



"The most beautiful discovery true friends make is that they can grow separately without growing apart." - Elisabeth Foley

Only for Now

Trekkie Monster!

 Summer season is wrapping up at the Seattle Children's Theatre, and I couldn't feel more blessed and inspired from my time there. It's continued to stun me every time people describe me here- They use words like adventurous, brave, strong, free-spirited... A part of me always laughs thinking that's not possible. Those are words I would've never even considered using to describe myself.
If only they knew how I felt, if they knew how much I worry about things, if they knew how much I overthink and analyze everything.

But I have a different opinion now. I've changed since I moved here. I am changing. I will continue to change. And perhaps, despite all of the changing (and perhaps because of it), I'm seeing parts of me clearly for the first time in my life.

Purpose box

I'm beginning to believe that words like adventurous, brave, strong, free-spirited, have nothing to do with how we feel. Because really, at the end of the day, we all feel- happy, sad, confident, worried, confused, uncertain.... But what makes the difference is how we are despite (and because) of these emotions. What we choose to do anyway. The decision that something is more important than fear, worry, stress, failing.


Before I moved, everyone asked me, "Are you ready?"

 I wasn't ready.
I was more ready than I ever had been.

Maybe no one is ever ready for what life throws at us. Maybe we're not supposed to be ready. The difference is whether we jump.

When you change a puppet you have to take its head off first

Christmas Eve

 In honor of Avenue Q closing at SCT (and how in the world a children's theatre can do Avenue Q will have to be for another blog post) I can't help but use one of the songs as parallel to my life, to all of our lives.

 For Now (the closing number) talks about how it's okay to not know what's coming next, it's okay to just be, because all of life is only for now. I love this because it reminds me that

1. The bad is only for now
So that stressful situation, the worrying over your next job, the fear of failing when you move far from home, working two full time jobs, feeling homesick, missing a loved one, every negative situation, is only for now. It will pass and you will make it through. Just keep holding on with the belief that it's all temporary and don't let it spoil the good because...


2. The good is only for now
Enjoy every single moment, for nothing is guaranteed forever. Appreciate the small beauty in nature, in people, in life. Celebrate every day of good health, every feeling of happiness, every good person in your life- love them. Life is too wonderful to waste a second of it, to miss seeing the good because you allowed your vision to be clouded by the bad. 


When we accept that it's all only for now, we can be free to change as much as we want, experience as much as we need, without fear. Despite fear. 

 Nothing lasts
Life goes on
 Full of surprises
You'll be faced with problems of all shapes and sizes
You're going to have to make a few compromises for now

 And we'll accept the things we cannot avoid for now (for now)
Don't stress
Relax
Let life roll off of your backs
Except for death and paying taxes everything in life
Is only for now
(Each time you smile, it'll only last a while)
Life may be scary, but it's only temporary
Everything in life is only for now
 - Avenue Q

Fur jackets and cuffs I made for Jungalbook..ohyeah

Love this girl

One of my bosses! I love her too

Lost Things (day50)

Tinkerbell loses this treasure and embarks on a search to find it,  a journey which ends up leading to her finding a best friend Terence, and inevitably, finding herself. Beautiful. (and  yes, she finds the treasure too)

I never realized just how much your life can change in fifty days. It is everything you would think, and more- exciting, terrifying, challenging, rewarding, and wonderful. I wouldn't have it any other way.

And I have to give myself some credit- I did make it fifty days without dying, without any emergencies, wrecks, disasters, without getting too lost...which brings me to-

Mulan show week

 I lost my checkbook. After carrying that thing around for more than six years, it's gone. And I will have a hard time accepting that for awhile.

I became the dress form for the kid's sizes

I'm not sure why, but not much gets to me so much as losing something. It's extremely difficult for me to let it go, I obsess over it and kick myself too much for it to be healthy (one time when I was younger I lost an important cd to me and I remember crying for several nights in a row because I was THAT upset.. so I'm a little better about these things now). And yes yes, I am retracing my steps, ripping through all of my stuff, and checking every space possible. But it looks like I'll be calling the bank tomorrow and dealing with all of that fun stuff... Did I mention my checks have beautiful sunflowers on them? Yes, well, those too are gone.

 The plus side? Well I can say that at least this happened on the weekend, which means that if some random person does have access to my account, the bank isn't open to clear those checks. So it looks like I'll at least close it before that happens. And believe you me, the second I close the account is probably two seconds before I see my checkbook, laying right in front of me in my apartment. Sigh.

"All the art of living lies in a fine mingling of letting go and holding on." -Henry Ellis

Perhaps if we never lose things, then there's no room for us to discover new things, to gain the new. If you want to travel the world, then you have to learn to fit your home in a car or maybe just in a suitcase. Sometimes you don't even get that much room. 

Some journeys you must travel alone. 
 Sometimes we lose friendships or relationships so that we can find the people who are meant to be there.
Sometimes we lose part of our identity so that we can discover a part of us we didn't know was there before, a part that is even more brilliant, more glowing, more passionate than before.  

So when you do lose something, it's okay to grieve it. It's okay to be upset, to embrace every emotion that we feel. But it's also okay to realize that with each lost item, there comes a found item for the future.

Think of Tinkerbell! (come on, you KNEW I was going to pull her in sooner or later). In case you didn't know, Tinkerbell is a tinker fairy, and tinker fairies love searching for Lost Things (aka any random items that humans left behind or lost). Tinker fairies create new things out of those lost items. And sometimes, they even fix them and then put them back in hopes that the human will find it again. 
I truly believe that..
What's meant to be yours will always have a way of finding you again
Whether it be sunglasses, your cat, a friend, a job, your passion, your thirst for life, a soulmate, your keychain (I lost my keychain one January only to magically find it in a parking lot at OSU that April. And the flashlight still worked.)  Or your checkbook.

Maybe it won't be found in the way you thought or hoped. And it probably won't be in your timing.
But believe that it will happen.
...Maybe you'll find even happier checks.
Because when we lose something, then there's always something else to be gained. This is how we grow.
And that is definitely always better.


  "The greatest treasures are not gold, nor jewels, nor works of art. They cannot be held in your hands. They're held within your heart. For worldly things will fade away as seasons come and go. But the treasure of true friendship will never lose its glow."
- Tinkerbell and the Lost Treasure