it was all yellow

In this lifetime we go through things that no one should ever have to go through.
This happens to all of us, this much I know.

Sometimes there are no answers. The difference is what you do regardless, despite, and because of what you've been through.

Some people hurt others (sadly- metaphorically, emotionally, verbally, and physically) in their tracks because of the pain they've been through.
Some people are on the other side of that.
Some people hurt themselves.

People say you shouldn't fight fire with fire.
I'm tired of the fighting, period. And as hippie or cliche as this might be, I'd rather be the person on the other side, weaving flowers around the guns, handing out yellow flowers.

It's no secret that in the past year I've experienced more heartbreak than I thought would ever be possible.
It's also no secret that in the past year I've experienced more wonderful things than I thought would ever be possible.

I can't weigh these things on a scale, tell you which one means more. They are all real things I have, am, and will certainly go through again. They are all my emotions, raw and genuine and honest. 

"Idea for a short story. The shore of a lake, a young girl who's spent her whole life beside it, a girl like you. She loves the lake the way a seagull does, and she's happy and free as a seagull. Then a man comes along, sees her, and ruins her life because he has nothing better to do. Destroys her like this seagull here."
 -Chekhov

At some point in our lives, we are all seagulls.
The only thing I know to do is to keep flying, to keep dancing, to keep handing out flowers to everyone.
To breathe in yellow. This is who I am.
What I do might not be important, but it's very important that I do it.
Flowers will fade, nothing can last for forever in its original condition but this is my hope, my prayer:
That my flying, my dancing, my flowers, will be a dandelion for you. A small, delicate, fragile flower- but give it enough hope, a wish, and a breath, and out into the world are twenty more wishes to grow somewhere new. With each new wish and belief, thousands more float into the sky, promising another chance.
I pray to be a part of that. To give you that.
And I pray for you to choose to be on the other side, the side handing out the flowers.
Keep flying, keep dancing, keep spreading fields of wishes.
If only we all chose to hand out flowers. What a different world this would be.



Amy: We didn't make a difference at all. 

The Doctor: I wouldn't say that. The way I see it, every life is a pile of good things and bad things. Hey. 
 The good things don't always soften the bad things, but vice-versa, the bad things don't necessarily spoil the good things and make them unimportant. 

If ever there is tomorrow when we're not together... there is something you must always remember. You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think, but the most important thing is, even we're apart, I'll always be with you." - Winnie the Pooh

"What I've noticed is that people who love what they do, regardless of what that might be, tend to live longer." - Philip Glass 

Sunrise, Sunset

 Sometimes there are no words, then there is music...

Unfortunately, my beloved piano is still tucked away in Oklahoma and quite absent from Seattle. Since I don't have it (yet... working on shipping it up here), and since I don't tend to play for others I suppose I'll have to use words.

Tomorrow marks a month since I've been back in Seattle. My apartment is... empty? I'm still working on that. I finally threw away several of my huge cardboard boxes I've been carrying around with me for the past 10-11 months. I knew I was going to be in constant transition and moving mode, so why throw out the boxes?

Because it's time to stay.

Leaving is one of the hardest things you can do.
Staying is also one of the hardest things you can do.

Sometimes it's easier to just run away from everything, find something new. Throw everything out and begin again. This can be a good thing, but there's a time for everything. There is a time for leaving. But there is a time for staying, for sticking through your decisions and commitments, for not running away.

I needed to stay. So it was time to take those huge cardboard boxes, this baggage, this reassurance that I could pack up my things any second and just leave, this symbol of my flightiness, and throw it in the dumpster (the recycling one, of course.. Seattleites are very particular about their recycling).

It doesn't mean I'll stay here forever. There are too many places and things I want to do for that. But it does mean that it's time for me to stop running. It's time for me to do things I'm afraid of doing. Maybe for you, too.

"Follow your heart and do everything you can to NOT cater to your fear. If I have one regret, looking back, it's that I still, still far too often cater to my fear. Instead of just picking myself up and saying, 'Just be afraid and do it anyway.'" - Michael Mastro

Yellow happiness day

On another note, I think I lost one of my favoritest gloves. They are brown and warm and were one of the best Christmas presents. I reached into my coat pocket today for them, and there was only one. We could title this... Losing Things: Something I Hate.
Sigh. Maybe it will turn up. Maybe not. I use them everyday and have carried them in my coat pocket for years. Why one decided to disappear, I'll never know.

One of the only pieces of furniture I have so far, a vintage desk

 Life's like that. You find a dollar on the ground, but you lose one of your gloves. You get good news, but then your computer breaks...Or something like that. We take the good with the bad, and find a balance somewhere in that, like a fiddler on a roof...

"A fiddler on the roof. Sounds crazy, no? But here, you might say every one of us is a fiddler on the roof trying to scratch out a pleasant, simple tune without breaking his neck. It isn't easy. You may ask 'Why do we stay up there if it's so dangerous?'  How do we keep our balance?"


I don't know the answer to that yet. We just do. Sometimes we fall or trip or slip, but here we are, playing our music for the world balanced on the edge of something beautiful and terrifying all at once.

Speaking of Fiddler, my little bit of fun news for you is that I've just been cast in two musicals coming up: Fiddler on the Roof as Chava, the youngest daughter and nickname little bird, and as an ensemble dancer for Footloose. A couple of my dearest friends were cast as well, so I'm very much looking forward to working with them again. Other than that, a spring photo shoot with some more vintage dresses and such looks to be in the near future.

I promise I'll find the right words someday, and in the meantime here are some beautiful pictures of the view of Seattle right outside of my apartment. It's one of my favorite places to sit and watch boats go by..
 Happy Daylight Savings night,

-A

"It’s a long life, and the greatest gift in the world is being able to create music no matter what the circumstances. So these are the new circumstances, and I’ll find a way to make it mean something. That’s all you can ever do." - John Mayer

The Seagull

Letters from my past self....

In packing for flying back up to Seattle I found one of my acting journals from my senior year in college.
Part of it has a letter to me, from myself. Even (perhaps especially) in my broken state, I found it all the more interesting. Maybe you will too.

Dated October 2010:

Dear Amber,

When you lose hope, when the struggle puts you down, remember....

"Celebrate the struggle. It is beautiful. It lets you know you're alive." - B. Mahaney

Breathe. Look at where you are now. Look back six weeks, six months, a year. How far have you come? What have you learned? Everyday you are growing and changing. This is okay.
Imperfection is beautiful.
Breathe.
Let it go. Risk failing. Risk not being good enough. Risk disappointment in others, in yourself.
Breathe.
Remember how long it took you to come back to theatre fully committed. Remember that feeling, that peace that went through your body and soul when you reunited with the stage. Close your eyes and breathe in the fresh wood and paint from the stage, the sounds of a set being built.
You are constantly being built into something magnificent. Don't push. Don't worry about where you need to be. Let it go, and just be, and if you fail, you have spread your wings and fallen with style. Don't be afraid to get dirty, to be ugly. Life is messy, so is art, so is acting. You have a story, so tell it and never stop telling it. It is your job to be a vessel for other people's lives and stories. So tell them.
Honor them.
Honor the playwright, the director, your colleagues, your coaches.
But honor and respect yourself.
And never give up in what you know is true.
"Perhaps we'll be able to make real contribution to amateur/American theatre, but should it never happen, it will still be a goal worth pursuing."
"Love the art in yourself, not yourself in the art"- Stan
"To be a great artist, be a great person."

Learn who you are through every day. Ask "How do I feel" everyday and listen.
I am, I want, I need, I feel, and there is nothing negative or positive about that.
Find humor through it all.
Every hour of tedious research is worth one inspired moment.
"The greater your insight into human needs becomes, the better an actor you will be."
Believe. Because the more you are able to believe in anything, the more you become able to believe in everything..

"Whether we're actors or writers, the important thing is not fame or glory, but learning how to endure. If I have faith it doesn't hurt so much, and when I think of my calling I'm no longer afraid of life"- Nina

Your calling is something larger than you.
You are a seagull
You are not a seagull
You are an actress
You are both
So let it go
And fly

Love always, sad for every hurt you go through, happy for every happiness you have,
-A

Coffee and Cameras

Sometimes it takes falling to the bottom to realize what's at the base of it all holding you. Here I see that God is still there, and so are you. For all of your comments, messages, hugs, texts, quotes, advice, or just listening- Thank you.

I need it more than you could know. 

I'm sorry if I worried any of you, I promise I'm still alive and breathing. To prove that here are some pictures. 

sisters and best friends

I can't really tell you that everything is better or that I've got it all figured out. Most of everything is still in that I don't know box. But here are some things I do know.

- A drink is drink no matter which way you look at it -

We tend to define people or situations by which way you choose to see something- the glass half full or half empty. Is it good or is it bad? Are you an optimist or a pessimist? Which side do you choose to see? One of my friends said something interesting and it made me think differently about this concept...

"The glass can be half empty or half full, as long as I have something to drink." -Will Jorden

my ultimate battleship strategy

It's like this- most of the time when you're having a drink somewhere, there's someone that's with you. There's someone sitting next to you or across that table from you. And chances are, you're having a genuine conversation. You're not sitting there sulking or rejoicing over whatever is left in your coffee cup, or mug, or wineglass, or sonic slush (at least I hope you're not). And why should you? There is a person, a human being, sitting across from you. A person who needs you to listen. And chances are, you need them to listen to you too. 

At some point, your glass is going to be completely full or half full.

At some point, your glass is going to be half empty or just empty. 

But that doesn't dictate where the conversation goes or how your time is spent. 

Maybe that's how life is. 

I could tell you the parts of my life that feel empty right now.

I could also tell you the parts of my life that feel full. 

But more importantly, what matters is that I can tell you these things, and you will truly listen and love me. 

I can see my glass, but I can also see you. I think there's a balance in there somewhere. 

Doodle, my miniature donkey

I also can't deny that perspective is important.

-Sometimes you have to see life through a new lens-

my favoritest puppies

It's not always pretty or better or worse. It just is different. It takes a long time to figure out how to work a camera, how to focus the lens properly to take the picture you had in mind. It's not easy. Pictures come out fuzzy. You didn't align the aperture and the shutter speed in the right way. It's overwhelming. But you have to believe that sooner or later something will click. Maybe a beautiful background will fall into place and you'll capture it without even meaning to. 

Maybe you'll spend hours shooting without ever feeling like you captured what you wanted, and it isn't until days later when you upload the pictures to your computer that you see something you didn't see earlier. You couldn't see it then. 

Time takes time you know? 

And that's all I really do know for now. I'm not even sure how much of this I believe in yet, but I'm trying. I'm trying to accept that my glass can feel like something without that meaning I'm just an optimist or pessimist. And through all of that fuzzy glass, I'm still trying to see you. Because I do believe that when people stop truly seeing the people sitting across from them, we've lost meaning. 

My glass is half full and half empty, but I don't want that to be the only meaning. 

"Your friendships reflect the friend you are being... When you find your tribe, hold onto them. Respect them. Love them. Go find people who reflect back to you who you really are." 


"We didn't make a difference at all." -Amy Pond 
"I wouldn't say that. The way I see it, every life is a pile of good things and bad things. Hey. The good things don't always soften the bad things, but vice-versa, the bad things don't necessarily spoil the good things and make them unimportant." - The Doctor 


"It is dreadful when something weighs on your mind, not to have a soul to unburden yourself to. You know what I mean. I tell my piano the things I used to tell you." - Chopin 


"I often think that the night is more alive and more richly colored than the day" - van Gogh

Beauty in Oklahoma, my home

Unraveled

There are times when you feel like you are falling from two thousand stories up in the sky straight down to the ground. Your life is whizzing by and there is nothing to hold onto or save you. And then you hit the ground and your heart shatters into a thousand pieces.


But it is still beating.


Why is that? When our lives fall apart, our hearts keep beating, our lungs keep drawing in air. Why?
I don't know.


This post isn't about having the answers. It isn't even about understanding the questions. Because honestly,
I don't know.

I do know that I am the worst at packing. I dread it more than anything. Doesn't matter if it's towards something great or away from home, I hate packing. Within the last six months or so I have moved at least four times. That's a lot of packing. It's a lot of dreading.
Especially the moving to Seattle- I had the hardest time sorting things into boxes. Over four years of college I had accumulated more belongings than would fit into my car for my next journey. And there I sat at home in the end of those four years, trying to sort my life into-
Trash. Treasure. Give Away. To Seattle. Keepsake box at home.


For someone who hates packing, for someone who is indecisive, and for someone who is emotional over this transition, it was not an easy task. Well some of it was.

All of those trophies and medals I worked so hard for my entire life, every award I was consumed with earning and won every single time I set my eyes on it, every moment of perfection I was obsessed with-
Trash.


Every picture of past friends, every random moment forever captured and saved-
Treasure.

Some of it was easy because enough time had passed for me to see what was important. I could have never thrown away my trophies before that moment. I was too focused on their importance to see beyond that, to see how much unnecessary space they take up (but really, who designs trophies? They have awkward shapes). I was too focused on their importance to see that I was missing out on the beauty of taking a risk to make a mistake in order to risk making something beautiful and wonderful.


And the rest that I couldn't decide on?
I don't know.


And I created a box just for that. An- I don't know I'll figure it out later when my head is clearer and I understand more- box.
And every time I was home since then I would look through the box and see if any of it clearly belonged elsewhere. Sometimes it did. Sometimes it still doesn't.


Welcome to my life right now. I am a mess, and it's not okay. Someday I will be able to look back and tell you what was going on in my life, what was happening to me, how it changed me, and where I am because of it and despite it. But for now,


I don't know.


And that's all I do know. It hurts too much to sort it out right now, my head isn't clear.


A new friend just taught me how to crochet. It's a soothing action. You can get lost in it just like painting, writing... And I've learned some interesting things.


1. You can work for hours and hours crocheting, and if you let go of the hook and pull on the yarn, every single part you slaved over for hours will unravel. Every single time. The simplest of actions will undo everything you've been working towards.


I found this heartbreaking. I mentioned to her how awful it would be to set your project down for two minutes and come back to discover that someone else had pulled the yarn and destroyed everything. She agreed, but then pointed out that on the flip side...

2. When you make a mistake, you can always go back and fix it. You're not stuck with anything permanently.


Maybe that's how our lives are. We are constantly knitting our lives together and sometime we make a mistake. Or maybe someone unravels everything we've done. And even though the yarn isn't the same after that happens, it's not ruined. You can begin again. You can make something new. You are devastated, but the yarn shows you the truth- it can become something again. You are shattered and heartbroken, but your heart keeps on beating- life is not over.


For now, let's be honest though. I'm full of I don't knows. It's not okay. I'm not okay. I'm unraveled.
It is what it is and I can't stop that or fight it or pretend otherwise.
For now this is still a confusing thing for me, because it feels like it is ruined, it is over.

 But I can't deny what the yarn and my beating heart are saying. That I will go on. Someday I will pick the tools up and begin creating again. Someday I will get up off the ground and marvel that I survived. 


"We've all been searching for the five doppelgangers, right? Well eventually, over time, we all become our own doppelgangers. These completely different people who just happen to look like us. Five years ago? That girl was pretty great. But the doppelganger? She's amazing." - How I Met Your Mother


ps. Send any hugs, love, favorite quotes, good thoughts, and inspiration my way. This is me asking for your help, I assure you I need it. And one more thing? Thanks for being there. It means a lot to me. 

My Secret

I can't tell you how many times I get asked about the world of theatre, what it's like, why I do it..
But nothing compares to the amount of questions and intrigue over the audition process to non-theatre people.
So I'll let you know.

Auditions are like what I imagine to be blind dates. Meeting up with someone you've read about online through a matching service.
You know maybe a little about them, but maybe not. You meet them, desperate for a successful date and desperate for things to go well. You spend large amounts of time getting ready- do I look good? Should I wear the blue dress with the black tights or the black dress with the tall boots? You spend countless thoughts on it, maybe feeling nervous, anxious, excited, a little bit of all. And you prepare yourself to meet someone you've never met before, be completely vulnerable and open to them, show them everything you've got, and then leave the date without the slightest hint of whether he (or she) likes you or not (oh yeah.. you're probably going to have to pick up the tab too).

Oh sure, you go back home and analyze over and over- should I have spoken first? Was I too quiet? Was I too myself? I think I might have laughed too much. I think they liked me. But what if they didn't like me and I think they did and my perception of people is wrong? (Insert more analyzing to your heart's content).

And then you wait.
Maybe you'll hear back, maybe you won't. Maybe they loved you, maybe they hated you. Maybe they didn't give you a second thought. You are the teenage girl, glancing at your phone and checking your email in hopes that something pops up. That someone wants to give you a chance.

But wait! Not only are you going to a blind date set up for you, but there are 50 women, maybe even more, lined up out the door hoping for the same chances you want with the same person. And there can only be one. And everyone is looking at you, sizing each other up, comparing themselves and each other. Some people are ready to psyche you out in the instant that you give over and smile at them. Some are waiting to crush you. Some already are crushing you with their minds. And you must stay calm, loving, friendly (but not too overly friendly) and make the right impressions without trying to make an impression at all.

Because everytime you walk through those doors and meet someone new, you are hoping, wishing, expecting, and willing to put yourself out there in the chance that that person (or theatre company) is THE ONE. 


But there's another catch, another secret- in theatre there's no such thing as "The One." You can meet someone, they can love you, you can fall in love with them, you can get cast in the perfect show in your dream role, and you already know the day that you're cast when that show and role will come to an end. And then your search begins all over again. Sometimes you're searching for the next one while still in a great running relationship with a show.

It's exhausting. It's heart-breaking. It's knowing that you'll never be completely settled. It's knowing that you must constantly put yourself out there and love everyone without knowing if theatre will ever love you back. It changes every day. Today you're brilliant, tomorrow people will whisper behind your back about how you EVER got cast. Today you're the nobody, tomorrow you're the new-found talent. You wake up everyday knowing you might end up being a little heart-broken, to pull it all together, smile, and do it again. And again. And again.

Because to fathom doing anything else with our lives, we realize, is unthinkable. It would be like sucking the air away from our lungs, the drive in our lives. And that part I can't explain to you. It's just there. And it's wonderful and ecstatic and terrible and wrenching all at the same time.
And yet I still believe in what we do. 
Because that moment when it does click, that moment when one blind date leads to a relationship, there is nothing better than that feeling of happiness. It's having a sense of purpose. It's feeling that all is well even when life is a stormy mess outside.

To everyone non theatre and theatre- you are the reason theatre is alive and thriving. You are the reason art is alive and thriving. Don't stop asking questions, don't stop buying tickets, and don't stop embracing our world because our purpose is to embrace every single one of yours.

To all you theatre people, performers, and especially you actors- Here's to you enjoying each blind date regardless of the outcome. Here's to you finding happy, healthy relationships. Over and over again. And here's to your courage and dedication to do what you feel is right when the vampires in your head fill you with doubts and insecurities.

-A

Making It

courtesy of f/8.3 photography

 Greetings and happy 11/11/11!
...and apologies for going a month without a post.

Time has been limited and sometimes I have to look into my planner to see where I can fit blocks for sleeping and eating (don't worry mom, I'm working on it!). I'm busy, you're busy, we're all busy, but that's old news. So let me catch you up on what is new.

courtesy of f/8.3 photography

These bridal photos are from a photoshoot for Twice Blushed from Amanda Vernell Studio (visit twiceblushed.com for more info). She re-makes GORGEOUS gowns from vintage dresses so that women can wear their mother's, grandmother's, etc. dress but with a modern twist or alterations.
So huge props to her and f/8.3 photography in Seattle. All of these photos belong to f/8.3 photography and you should definitely check out them at www.f83photo.com, become their fan on facebook and all that jazz.

courtesy of f/8.3 photography

You can also check out more pics from the photoshoot at http://blog.f83photo.com/2011/11/08/film-version-twice-blushed-morning-shoot/

I had so much fun working on this shoot despite that it was early in the morning and FREEZING cold weather in Seattle. My arms and hands were numb for awhile afterwards, but it was well worth it and I'm glad to say I'd get up extra early and stand in cold weather anytime to get to work with these amazing people.

courtesy of f/8.3 photography 

courtesy of f/8.3 photography 

 

Moritz and Wendla, cemetary BFFS

 Tomorrow night also marks closing night of Spring Awakening. This show will always have such a special, dear place in my heart since it will forever be my first post- college show, my first Seattle show, my first "real world" theatre show. I feel so tremendously blessed to have such an amazing cast, crew, and director to work with and have as friends. They have kept me sane and rescued me from more than they will ever know. We've had a great run with a full house just about every night. I will try to post more pictures from the actual show in the near future, but for now, here are a few dressing room shots.

In the meantime, I suppose what's been on my mind lately is the concept of making it. Most people, especially those in the arts, can be extremely focused on the need to make it in their field of art.

But what is making it?

To be a star? To be famous? To have paparazzi chasing you at the grocery store? To have lots of money? To have others envious of your popularity?

Because if that's making it, then I'm definitely headed in the wrong direction. And if it is what I do want, then I'll probably be chasing ideas and jumping through endless hoops for the rest of my life without ever making it.

I think making it is...

to be happy
to be fulfilled
to have a purpose
to affect others in a positive way, in whatever means of talent and work i can use
to enjoy life at the end of the day
to enjoy life at the beginning of the day
to be proud of what I do and stand firm in that
to follow my dreams, create my own dreams, and attempt to dive into that huge percentage of our talents/ brains that statistics claim we don't tap into
to dare to be who I am in a world that throws statistics, doubts, insults, disbelief, loneliness, insecurity, and fear my way

Wendla and Martha= The Ambers

November marks my 6th month in Seattle, my 6th month away from home, from everything I know, from my family and friends (and forcing me to look at who my friends are... something that happens to anyone who moves 2,000 miles away), to a big city with no one there waiting for me, to dreaming of living here and being in theatre in Seattle. Tomorrow I close my first show here. The next day I'll start working on the next show I'm in that opens in December....

 I think making it is relative. I think I've already made it.

"Think of the future as a bowl of fresh milk with sugar and cinnamon. One man spills it and cries, the other one churns it and sweats. Why not skim the cream off? - Or don't you think we could learn how?... Maybe, when we look back on an afternoon like this thirty years from now, it will seem indescribably nice. And now it's happening without any effort at all." - Spring Awakening