My Secret

I can't tell you how many times I get asked about the world of theatre, what it's like, why I do it..
But nothing compares to the amount of questions and intrigue over the audition process to non-theatre people.
So I'll let you know.

Auditions are like what I imagine to be blind dates. Meeting up with someone you've read about online through a matching service.
You know maybe a little about them, but maybe not. You meet them, desperate for a successful date and desperate for things to go well. You spend large amounts of time getting ready- do I look good? Should I wear the blue dress with the black tights or the black dress with the tall boots? You spend countless thoughts on it, maybe feeling nervous, anxious, excited, a little bit of all. And you prepare yourself to meet someone you've never met before, be completely vulnerable and open to them, show them everything you've got, and then leave the date without the slightest hint of whether he (or she) likes you or not (oh yeah.. you're probably going to have to pick up the tab too).

Oh sure, you go back home and analyze over and over- should I have spoken first? Was I too quiet? Was I too myself? I think I might have laughed too much. I think they liked me. But what if they didn't like me and I think they did and my perception of people is wrong? (Insert more analyzing to your heart's content).

And then you wait.
Maybe you'll hear back, maybe you won't. Maybe they loved you, maybe they hated you. Maybe they didn't give you a second thought. You are the teenage girl, glancing at your phone and checking your email in hopes that something pops up. That someone wants to give you a chance.

But wait! Not only are you going to a blind date set up for you, but there are 50 women, maybe even more, lined up out the door hoping for the same chances you want with the same person. And there can only be one. And everyone is looking at you, sizing each other up, comparing themselves and each other. Some people are ready to psyche you out in the instant that you give over and smile at them. Some are waiting to crush you. Some already are crushing you with their minds. And you must stay calm, loving, friendly (but not too overly friendly) and make the right impressions without trying to make an impression at all.

Because everytime you walk through those doors and meet someone new, you are hoping, wishing, expecting, and willing to put yourself out there in the chance that that person (or theatre company) is THE ONE. 


But there's another catch, another secret- in theatre there's no such thing as "The One." You can meet someone, they can love you, you can fall in love with them, you can get cast in the perfect show in your dream role, and you already know the day that you're cast when that show and role will come to an end. And then your search begins all over again. Sometimes you're searching for the next one while still in a great running relationship with a show.

It's exhausting. It's heart-breaking. It's knowing that you'll never be completely settled. It's knowing that you must constantly put yourself out there and love everyone without knowing if theatre will ever love you back. It changes every day. Today you're brilliant, tomorrow people will whisper behind your back about how you EVER got cast. Today you're the nobody, tomorrow you're the new-found talent. You wake up everyday knowing you might end up being a little heart-broken, to pull it all together, smile, and do it again. And again. And again.

Because to fathom doing anything else with our lives, we realize, is unthinkable. It would be like sucking the air away from our lungs, the drive in our lives. And that part I can't explain to you. It's just there. And it's wonderful and ecstatic and terrible and wrenching all at the same time.
And yet I still believe in what we do. 
Because that moment when it does click, that moment when one blind date leads to a relationship, there is nothing better than that feeling of happiness. It's having a sense of purpose. It's feeling that all is well even when life is a stormy mess outside.

To everyone non theatre and theatre- you are the reason theatre is alive and thriving. You are the reason art is alive and thriving. Don't stop asking questions, don't stop buying tickets, and don't stop embracing our world because our purpose is to embrace every single one of yours.

To all you theatre people, performers, and especially you actors- Here's to you enjoying each blind date regardless of the outcome. Here's to you finding happy, healthy relationships. Over and over again. And here's to your courage and dedication to do what you feel is right when the vampires in your head fill you with doubts and insecurities.

-A