My Secret

I can't tell you how many times I get asked about the world of theatre, what it's like, why I do it..
But nothing compares to the amount of questions and intrigue over the audition process to non-theatre people.
So I'll let you know.

Auditions are like what I imagine to be blind dates. Meeting up with someone you've read about online through a matching service.
You know maybe a little about them, but maybe not. You meet them, desperate for a successful date and desperate for things to go well. You spend large amounts of time getting ready- do I look good? Should I wear the blue dress with the black tights or the black dress with the tall boots? You spend countless thoughts on it, maybe feeling nervous, anxious, excited, a little bit of all. And you prepare yourself to meet someone you've never met before, be completely vulnerable and open to them, show them everything you've got, and then leave the date without the slightest hint of whether he (or she) likes you or not (oh yeah.. you're probably going to have to pick up the tab too).

Oh sure, you go back home and analyze over and over- should I have spoken first? Was I too quiet? Was I too myself? I think I might have laughed too much. I think they liked me. But what if they didn't like me and I think they did and my perception of people is wrong? (Insert more analyzing to your heart's content).

And then you wait.
Maybe you'll hear back, maybe you won't. Maybe they loved you, maybe they hated you. Maybe they didn't give you a second thought. You are the teenage girl, glancing at your phone and checking your email in hopes that something pops up. That someone wants to give you a chance.

But wait! Not only are you going to a blind date set up for you, but there are 50 women, maybe even more, lined up out the door hoping for the same chances you want with the same person. And there can only be one. And everyone is looking at you, sizing each other up, comparing themselves and each other. Some people are ready to psyche you out in the instant that you give over and smile at them. Some are waiting to crush you. Some already are crushing you with their minds. And you must stay calm, loving, friendly (but not too overly friendly) and make the right impressions without trying to make an impression at all.

Because everytime you walk through those doors and meet someone new, you are hoping, wishing, expecting, and willing to put yourself out there in the chance that that person (or theatre company) is THE ONE. 


But there's another catch, another secret- in theatre there's no such thing as "The One." You can meet someone, they can love you, you can fall in love with them, you can get cast in the perfect show in your dream role, and you already know the day that you're cast when that show and role will come to an end. And then your search begins all over again. Sometimes you're searching for the next one while still in a great running relationship with a show.

It's exhausting. It's heart-breaking. It's knowing that you'll never be completely settled. It's knowing that you must constantly put yourself out there and love everyone without knowing if theatre will ever love you back. It changes every day. Today you're brilliant, tomorrow people will whisper behind your back about how you EVER got cast. Today you're the nobody, tomorrow you're the new-found talent. You wake up everyday knowing you might end up being a little heart-broken, to pull it all together, smile, and do it again. And again. And again.

Because to fathom doing anything else with our lives, we realize, is unthinkable. It would be like sucking the air away from our lungs, the drive in our lives. And that part I can't explain to you. It's just there. And it's wonderful and ecstatic and terrible and wrenching all at the same time.
And yet I still believe in what we do. 
Because that moment when it does click, that moment when one blind date leads to a relationship, there is nothing better than that feeling of happiness. It's having a sense of purpose. It's feeling that all is well even when life is a stormy mess outside.

To everyone non theatre and theatre- you are the reason theatre is alive and thriving. You are the reason art is alive and thriving. Don't stop asking questions, don't stop buying tickets, and don't stop embracing our world because our purpose is to embrace every single one of yours.

To all you theatre people, performers, and especially you actors- Here's to you enjoying each blind date regardless of the outcome. Here's to you finding happy, healthy relationships. Over and over again. And here's to your courage and dedication to do what you feel is right when the vampires in your head fill you with doubts and insecurities.

-A

Making It

courtesy of f/8.3 photography

 Greetings and happy 11/11/11!
...and apologies for going a month without a post.

Time has been limited and sometimes I have to look into my planner to see where I can fit blocks for sleeping and eating (don't worry mom, I'm working on it!). I'm busy, you're busy, we're all busy, but that's old news. So let me catch you up on what is new.

courtesy of f/8.3 photography

These bridal photos are from a photoshoot for Twice Blushed from Amanda Vernell Studio (visit twiceblushed.com for more info). She re-makes GORGEOUS gowns from vintage dresses so that women can wear their mother's, grandmother's, etc. dress but with a modern twist or alterations.
So huge props to her and f/8.3 photography in Seattle. All of these photos belong to f/8.3 photography and you should definitely check out them at www.f83photo.com, become their fan on facebook and all that jazz.

courtesy of f/8.3 photography

You can also check out more pics from the photoshoot at http://blog.f83photo.com/2011/11/08/film-version-twice-blushed-morning-shoot/

I had so much fun working on this shoot despite that it was early in the morning and FREEZING cold weather in Seattle. My arms and hands were numb for awhile afterwards, but it was well worth it and I'm glad to say I'd get up extra early and stand in cold weather anytime to get to work with these amazing people.

courtesy of f/8.3 photography 

courtesy of f/8.3 photography 

 

Moritz and Wendla, cemetary BFFS

 Tomorrow night also marks closing night of Spring Awakening. This show will always have such a special, dear place in my heart since it will forever be my first post- college show, my first Seattle show, my first "real world" theatre show. I feel so tremendously blessed to have such an amazing cast, crew, and director to work with and have as friends. They have kept me sane and rescued me from more than they will ever know. We've had a great run with a full house just about every night. I will try to post more pictures from the actual show in the near future, but for now, here are a few dressing room shots.

In the meantime, I suppose what's been on my mind lately is the concept of making it. Most people, especially those in the arts, can be extremely focused on the need to make it in their field of art.

But what is making it?

To be a star? To be famous? To have paparazzi chasing you at the grocery store? To have lots of money? To have others envious of your popularity?

Because if that's making it, then I'm definitely headed in the wrong direction. And if it is what I do want, then I'll probably be chasing ideas and jumping through endless hoops for the rest of my life without ever making it.

I think making it is...

to be happy
to be fulfilled
to have a purpose
to affect others in a positive way, in whatever means of talent and work i can use
to enjoy life at the end of the day
to enjoy life at the beginning of the day
to be proud of what I do and stand firm in that
to follow my dreams, create my own dreams, and attempt to dive into that huge percentage of our talents/ brains that statistics claim we don't tap into
to dare to be who I am in a world that throws statistics, doubts, insults, disbelief, loneliness, insecurity, and fear my way

Wendla and Martha= The Ambers

November marks my 6th month in Seattle, my 6th month away from home, from everything I know, from my family and friends (and forcing me to look at who my friends are... something that happens to anyone who moves 2,000 miles away), to a big city with no one there waiting for me, to dreaming of living here and being in theatre in Seattle. Tomorrow I close my first show here. The next day I'll start working on the next show I'm in that opens in December....

 I think making it is relative. I think I've already made it.

"Think of the future as a bowl of fresh milk with sugar and cinnamon. One man spills it and cries, the other one churns it and sweats. Why not skim the cream off? - Or don't you think we could learn how?... Maybe, when we look back on an afternoon like this thirty years from now, it will seem indescribably nice. And now it's happening without any effort at all." - Spring Awakening