Umbrellas (ellas ellas eh?)

 She wasn't where she had been.
She wasn't where she was going.
but she was on her way.

One day in college I had a huge semester group project for a class. It was a LOT of work, and I wondered how we could get everything done when deadlines were so hectic (oh the planner that is me). One guy in my group (definitely a class clown) simply looked at me, shrugged, slipped into a half-smirk and said, "Well Amber when it rains it pours."

He was so comical with that cliche phrase, but I took it to heart. And still say it to myself nowadays, touched by his calm nature in the thick of chaos.

SCT's Harold and the Purple Crayon world premiere 

It has most definitely been pouring in my world for the last couple of months (pun intended). It's hard to not be overwhelmed, to feel nervous or frustrated or upset or afraid or... [insert every other emotion]. It feels like I'm about to be swept away any second, overcome and washed away, or maybe just soaked to the bone stuck in the same spot without a single ability to change that. I'm not going to pretend that I have any of the answers or secrets to any of it. It's just life.

Ohhh but you should... Dance in the rain! Sing in the rain! and blahblahblah Sure.


But sometimes we do need an umbrella.
Sometimes just to keep breathing is everything.
Sometimes it is about hanging on.

Nothing more and nothing less. Why do we belittle that notion? The idea that if we're not living something deeper than the act of hanging in there we're not living at all? (which yes, I agree with to a degree). But I also believe that to go through the motions is not to be frowned upon. To hang on during the storm is an accomplishment.

Someone marveled today at what I've done- moving across the country by myself to a state with no established family or friends. With just me, my car, and whatever fit inside. She called me one of the bravest, strongest souls she had ever met. I told her one of my deep secrets- that I don't feel brave or strong in the slightest. I never have. And she said
and that's exactly why you are the bravest soul. 

 I know that the rain is harsh. It is cold, it is wet, it slaps you in the face and destroys every ounce of control you thought you had over your hair.
I know that the rain is beautiful. It makes things grow. It provides life. It washes away the bad, and what's left standing at the end of the day is whoever you are. So hang in there. Buy an umbrella. Even if it's a cheap $5 black one you never envisioned having. There will be a more beautiful umbrella down the road. And by that point you might not even feel so desperate for one at all.

 And for all those times I don't have an umbrella with me? Thanks for letting me stand under yours. I only hope I can repay your kindness.

The best thing one can do when it's raining is to let it rain.
-Henry Wadsworth Longfellow




These fancy things, will never come in between
You're part of my entity, here for Infinity
When the war has took it's part
When the world has dealt it's cards
If the hand is hard, together we'll mend your heart
When the sun shines, we'll shine together
Told you I'll be here forever
Said I'll always be a friend
Took an oath I'll stick it out till the end
Now that it's raining more than ever
Know that we'll still have each other
You can stand under my umbrella 
- Rihanna

Waiting for Ladybugs

It's one big transition phase for me right now- transitioning to being a true "Seattleite" (yes, that's what they call themselves) from starting over again with buying furniture to applying for a Washington license to transferring Rupert (my car) to a Washington plate and other such things. EEEEEEP! It's difficult, because I like being in control and I like having everything figured out and organized. I want everything to work out all at once and quickly. I don't mind change, but I do not like the transition time between the changes.

Then I think of one of my favorite movies, Under the Tuscan Sun. If you love art/writing/Italy/gorgeous scenery/inspirational messages, go watch it. It's about a woman who loses every type of security she has through unfortunate events and gives up what's left to move to Tuscany where she doesn't know anyone there (or Italian for that matter) or what she's going to do with her life. She struggles through the transition, and a wise someone she meets in Italy says the following to her: 

" Listen Frances, when I was a little girl I used to spend hours looking for ladybugs. Finally, I'd just give up and fall asleep in the grass. When I woke up, they were crawling all over me."  


After hearing that, ladybugs always held this significance in my life. That if I'm constantly running around trying to catch ladybugs and fireflies (and perhaps... my dreams and goals...) that all that will happen is a breathless, exhausted, discouraged, empty-handed me. It always seems to be those moments when I sit down, breathe in and embrace wherever I am, and calm my mind that a ladybug softly drop onto my shoulder, my shoe, my dress, and my fingertip. And then, the rest of the ladybugs come out too.


Of course, we have to work to get to the meadow in the first place. We can't just sit down in whatever climate we choose and hope that the ladybugs will come. We have to plan and think about where to go and at times fight tree branches and hills and mountains to get to the right place. It's not always easy. It's not always fun or glamorous or exciting. The woods don't always love us back. But once we've done all we can do to place ourselves where we need to be, we must be patient for the ladybugs to come. And somehow they always do one way or another even if it's not in the way or time we expected.


If you're fighting through woods and mountains, then keep on walking to the place you need to be. And if you're there, look around and enjoy the view, and find the beauty and patience in waiting for ladybugs.   




"Signora, between Austria and Italy, there is a section of the Alps called the Semmering. It is an impossibly steep, very high part of the mountains. They built a train track over these Alps to connect Vienna and Venice. They built these tracks even before there was a train in existence that could make the trip. They built it because they knew some day, the train would come."
- Martini in Under the Tuscan Sun

Words Words Words (and Hamlet)

 From child sayings like
Sticks and stones may break your bones but words can never hurt you...
to songs like
You are beautiful in every single way, words can't bring you down....
Everyone seems to have an idea of what words mean or don't mean.


Well here's my idea.
These are all wrong.
Besides our actions and the silences in between, words are the most powerful thing in the entire world.
If this weren't so, then speeches would never create a reaction, books would never hold interest, theatre wouldn't captivate an audience with laughter or strike them silent with its depth. Writing would mean, nothing.

Here I am on my soapbox (and let's face it: at barely 5' tall I could use one) and you're probably wondering, where does this come from? Let's just say I'm interacting on a daily basis with someone who is constantly cutting every part of me down in just about every way. I've had theatre professors analyze every step of my movement, personality, and my acting techniques and approaches; I've had English professors and editors cut my writing into red ink bleeding chunks of paper to be revised; I've had people redirect everything from my sewing to painting technique, and I have never felt cut down from it like I do now. I suppose that's because each of those moments was never a personal insult but an opportunity to learn and grow and make myself better. I've never had someone cut me down like this before, and I must admit, it's really brought me down and making me feel lousy and miserable.

It's making me realize just how much words can change our day and how we feel. And it's making me appreciate the positive words that much more.

Who knows what someone is really going through? What if they're having a bad day? What if they're going through a rough time? Who knows what a simple kindness can do for them. I know what it does for me.
So choose your words wisely. They are yours and people might watch your actions, but that doesn't mean they're not listening too.

As for me, don't worry because I know I will be okay. I can accept that words can bring me down, because then that means words have the power to lift me back up again.
Thanks for letting me feel important on my soapbox,
-A

A word is dead
When it is said,
Some say.
I say it just
Begins to live
That day.
Emily Dickinson

One Day at a Time

Peaceful Seattle things

 Since I'm being completely honest, I'll tell you that I have a huge weakness: Worrying.

I love keeping things organized, planning things out, and focusing on small details to make things the best they can be. But go overboard on those things, and then I've also got loads of stress and worry on my mind. It's something I've dealt with my entire life. And after yet another night of not falling asleep, of tossing and turning and planning and thinking and stressing about the next steps, I've come to terms with the fact that this is a huge problem I have.
It needs to stop.

 Why do I do this and how do I stop? I don't have all the answers. I know it's not going to be easy. I know it's something I'm going to struggle with every day I wake up, every night I go to bed.

 It's too easy to worry about everything- being so far away from everything I know, with all of these unknowns ahead of me. I think we all feel like this. Maybe you don't have this problem, maybe you don't worry and stress about things as much as I do. Maybe you worry and stress more than I do. But here's my only advice- and this is me forcing myself to face this reality and take a dose of my own medicine-


1. Take each day in bite size pieces, One day at a time because...

Today is the tomorrow we worried about yesterday.  ~Author Unknown


2. When the future seems too much, when you don't know how you will make it, if things will be okay, look backwards and see all of the lovely traces behind you

Let us be of good cheer, remembering that the misfortunes hardest to bear are those which will never happen.
  ~James Russel Lowell

3 years ago I was stressing and worrying about what I would do with my life. I was so lost. Then I rediscovered theatre, which lead to me finding a huge part of myself.


6 months ago I was stressing and worrying and losing sleep over what I would do after college, where I would go, if I would make it to Seattle, if I would be happy, etc. etc. 

And now I look back and see that everything was more than okay. I worked for my dream theatre, found a job that works perfectly with theatre, found a place to live... It all has worked out beautifully, one day at a time.
 And now will be no different. 

Do we have to work hard and plan right for good things to happen? Absolutely.
But there is a point when all we can do is accept that the future is out of our hands after that, to trust God, and to stop wasting so much of today stressing about tomorrow.

Almost a year ago :)

I am working on this.
Thank you for loving me and standing by me through it.
Here's to your adventures, to enjoying where you are on the way to where you're going

ps. Feel free to give all the advice you've got. I'm all ears.

"Of course what you're doing is hard. It's what most people only sit around and talk about doing without ever doing anything, and that's easy. Being home is easy. So it's okay to say that it's hard. Don't feel bad about that. Being brave is never easy." - Sheri Williams

People gather bundles of sticks to build bridges they never cross.  ~Author Unknown