it was all yellow

In this lifetime we go through things that no one should ever have to go through.
This happens to all of us, this much I know.

Sometimes there are no answers. The difference is what you do regardless, despite, and because of what you've been through.

Some people hurt others (sadly- metaphorically, emotionally, verbally, and physically) in their tracks because of the pain they've been through.
Some people are on the other side of that.
Some people hurt themselves.

People say you shouldn't fight fire with fire.
I'm tired of the fighting, period. And as hippie or cliche as this might be, I'd rather be the person on the other side, weaving flowers around the guns, handing out yellow flowers.

It's no secret that in the past year I've experienced more heartbreak than I thought would ever be possible.
It's also no secret that in the past year I've experienced more wonderful things than I thought would ever be possible.

I can't weigh these things on a scale, tell you which one means more. They are all real things I have, am, and will certainly go through again. They are all my emotions, raw and genuine and honest. 

"Idea for a short story. The shore of a lake, a young girl who's spent her whole life beside it, a girl like you. She loves the lake the way a seagull does, and she's happy and free as a seagull. Then a man comes along, sees her, and ruins her life because he has nothing better to do. Destroys her like this seagull here."
 -Chekhov

At some point in our lives, we are all seagulls.
The only thing I know to do is to keep flying, to keep dancing, to keep handing out flowers to everyone.
To breathe in yellow. This is who I am.
What I do might not be important, but it's very important that I do it.
Flowers will fade, nothing can last for forever in its original condition but this is my hope, my prayer:
That my flying, my dancing, my flowers, will be a dandelion for you. A small, delicate, fragile flower- but give it enough hope, a wish, and a breath, and out into the world are twenty more wishes to grow somewhere new. With each new wish and belief, thousands more float into the sky, promising another chance.
I pray to be a part of that. To give you that.
And I pray for you to choose to be on the other side, the side handing out the flowers.
Keep flying, keep dancing, keep spreading fields of wishes.
If only we all chose to hand out flowers. What a different world this would be.



Amy: We didn't make a difference at all. 

The Doctor: I wouldn't say that. The way I see it, every life is a pile of good things and bad things. Hey. 
 The good things don't always soften the bad things, but vice-versa, the bad things don't necessarily spoil the good things and make them unimportant. 

If ever there is tomorrow when we're not together... there is something you must always remember. You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think, but the most important thing is, even we're apart, I'll always be with you." - Winnie the Pooh

"What I've noticed is that people who love what they do, regardless of what that might be, tend to live longer." - Philip Glass 

Sunrise, Sunset

 Sometimes there are no words, then there is music...

Unfortunately, my beloved piano is still tucked away in Oklahoma and quite absent from Seattle. Since I don't have it (yet... working on shipping it up here), and since I don't tend to play for others I suppose I'll have to use words.

Tomorrow marks a month since I've been back in Seattle. My apartment is... empty? I'm still working on that. I finally threw away several of my huge cardboard boxes I've been carrying around with me for the past 10-11 months. I knew I was going to be in constant transition and moving mode, so why throw out the boxes?

Because it's time to stay.

Leaving is one of the hardest things you can do.
Staying is also one of the hardest things you can do.

Sometimes it's easier to just run away from everything, find something new. Throw everything out and begin again. This can be a good thing, but there's a time for everything. There is a time for leaving. But there is a time for staying, for sticking through your decisions and commitments, for not running away.

I needed to stay. So it was time to take those huge cardboard boxes, this baggage, this reassurance that I could pack up my things any second and just leave, this symbol of my flightiness, and throw it in the dumpster (the recycling one, of course.. Seattleites are very particular about their recycling).

It doesn't mean I'll stay here forever. There are too many places and things I want to do for that. But it does mean that it's time for me to stop running. It's time for me to do things I'm afraid of doing. Maybe for you, too.

"Follow your heart and do everything you can to NOT cater to your fear. If I have one regret, looking back, it's that I still, still far too often cater to my fear. Instead of just picking myself up and saying, 'Just be afraid and do it anyway.'" - Michael Mastro

Yellow happiness day

On another note, I think I lost one of my favoritest gloves. They are brown and warm and were one of the best Christmas presents. I reached into my coat pocket today for them, and there was only one. We could title this... Losing Things: Something I Hate.
Sigh. Maybe it will turn up. Maybe not. I use them everyday and have carried them in my coat pocket for years. Why one decided to disappear, I'll never know.

One of the only pieces of furniture I have so far, a vintage desk

 Life's like that. You find a dollar on the ground, but you lose one of your gloves. You get good news, but then your computer breaks...Or something like that. We take the good with the bad, and find a balance somewhere in that, like a fiddler on a roof...

"A fiddler on the roof. Sounds crazy, no? But here, you might say every one of us is a fiddler on the roof trying to scratch out a pleasant, simple tune without breaking his neck. It isn't easy. You may ask 'Why do we stay up there if it's so dangerous?'  How do we keep our balance?"


I don't know the answer to that yet. We just do. Sometimes we fall or trip or slip, but here we are, playing our music for the world balanced on the edge of something beautiful and terrifying all at once.

Speaking of Fiddler, my little bit of fun news for you is that I've just been cast in two musicals coming up: Fiddler on the Roof as Chava, the youngest daughter and nickname little bird, and as an ensemble dancer for Footloose. A couple of my dearest friends were cast as well, so I'm very much looking forward to working with them again. Other than that, a spring photo shoot with some more vintage dresses and such looks to be in the near future.

I promise I'll find the right words someday, and in the meantime here are some beautiful pictures of the view of Seattle right outside of my apartment. It's one of my favorite places to sit and watch boats go by..
 Happy Daylight Savings night,

-A

"It’s a long life, and the greatest gift in the world is being able to create music no matter what the circumstances. So these are the new circumstances, and I’ll find a way to make it mean something. That’s all you can ever do." - John Mayer