Since you take precious time to read my thoughts, I feel that I owe you my honesty. So here's me, doing just that. (you have been warned)
Getting on a plane to take me back to Seattle was the hardest thing I've ever done.
I cried the whole day, getting on each plane, during the plane ride, getting off each plane, and then when I got to my apartment. I did not stop crying until I fell asleep. I do not remember a time in my life where I have ever done that. Ever. I could not compose myself, I could not stop myself from crying all day. And even yesterday, and even today.
Seattle is a dream come true for me, and I always joked with mom about why people would ever live in Oklahoma, why people would ever go back there. She would always say, "because of the people that are there."
She was right. I have been so busy these past few months (and really, don't feel like I've stopped working constantly since I started college) that my brain didn't have time to grasp just how much I miss home, how much I miss my family, my friends.
Everything in me screams to be back home with you. To be there for you. To be with you. But I know that I need to be here, and I do love Seattle. Please don't misunderstand me. It's such a beautiful place and I'm having all of these amazing opportunities and life changing experiences, but I think that it's okay to accept that I can feel that way, especially after getting to visit home.
If I could tell you anything (and maybe what I need to hear too), is to keep holding on. We'll make it through. You'll make it through whatever you're going through. And so will I. But that doesn't mean that we should suppress "negative" emotions. In fact I'm starting to think that there should be no such thing as a negative emotion.
In a book I read for acting once (called No Acting Please), the author Eric Morris argues that all emotions we experience are just as real, just as important as the other, and that to suppress any emotion is to deny ourselves the realization that we are alive, that we are breathing, that we are human. And that is a beautiful thing.
He says that we should embrace our emotions and accept them instead of pushing them away and trying to pick which emotions we "should" feel. They are natural, and isn't it normal to feel them all? He challenges actors (and all people alike) to stop blocking their hearts from feeling angry, mad, sad, disappointed, bitter, jealous, livid, depressed, upset, etc etc. Because once we can recognize the emotion and allow ourselves to feel it, then we can grow and learn and change and the other emotions like happiness will be that much even greater. I'm not going to fight it. I am sad. I feel down and upset and missing all of you. It feels like a part of my heart is missing
 |
| Yep, still fit into the prom dresses |
So take good care of it?
And in the meantime, just keep holding on. And reaching out for help, reaching out to help, because that's why we are all here. To love each other.
I'm off now to my first professional audition in a couple of hours, and I know that it will be good for me to get back into the swing of auditioning and acting. I wouldn't normally tell you that, but it is my first one, and I thought I'd let you know that while I'm feeling all of these sad things, I'm not going to let it dictate 100% of my actions (and neither should you).
Thank you for your advice, for your encouragement, for your prayers, for your time, for your thoughts, and for your love. I need them more than you could know.
-Amber Lee
"Celebrate the struggle. It is beautiful. It lets you know that you're alive." - Brigitte Mahaney
"Feelings are not supposed to be logical. Dangerous is the man who has rationalized his emotions." -David Borenstein
"You cannot make yourself feel something you do not feel, but you can make yourself do right in spite of your feelings." - Pearl S. Buck
"The most beautiful discovery true friends make is that they can grow separately without growing apart." - Elisabeth Foley
