Letters from my past self....
In packing for flying back up to Seattle I found one of my acting journals from my senior year in college.
Part of it has a letter to me, from myself. Even (perhaps especially) in my broken state, I found it all the more interesting. Maybe you will too.
Dated October 2010:
Dear Amber,
When you lose hope, when the struggle puts you down, remember....
"Celebrate the struggle. It is beautiful. It lets you know you're alive." - B. Mahaney
Breathe. Look at where you are now. Look back six weeks, six months, a year. How far have you come? What have you learned? Everyday you are growing and changing. This is okay.
Imperfection is beautiful.
Breathe.
Let it go. Risk failing. Risk not being good enough. Risk disappointment in others, in yourself.
Breathe.
Remember how long it took you to come back to theatre fully committed. Remember that feeling, that peace that went through your body and soul when you reunited with the stage. Close your eyes and breathe in the fresh wood and paint from the stage, the sounds of a set being built.
You are constantly being built into something magnificent. Don't push. Don't worry about where you need to be. Let it go, and just be, and if you fail, you have spread your wings and fallen with style. Don't be afraid to get dirty, to be ugly. Life is messy, so is art, so is acting. You have a story, so tell it and never stop telling it. It is your job to be a vessel for other people's lives and stories. So tell them.
Honor them.
Honor the playwright, the director, your colleagues, your coaches.
But honor and respect yourself.
And never give up in what you know is true.
"Perhaps we'll be able to make real contribution to amateur/American theatre, but should it never happen, it will still be a goal worth pursuing."
"Love the art in yourself, not yourself in the art"- Stan
"To be a great artist, be a great person."
Learn who you are through every day. Ask "How do I feel" everyday and listen.
I am, I want, I need, I feel, and there is nothing negative or positive about that.
Find humor through it all.
Every hour of tedious research is worth one inspired moment.
"The greater your insight into human needs becomes, the better an actor you will be."
Believe. Because the more you are able to believe in anything, the more you become able to believe in everything..
"Whether we're actors or writers, the important thing is not fame or glory, but learning how to endure. If I have faith it doesn't hurt so much, and when I think of my calling I'm no longer afraid of life"- Nina
Your calling is something larger than you.
You are a seagull
You are not a seagull
You are an actress
You are both
So let it go
And fly
Love always, sad for every hurt you go through, happy for every happiness you have,
-A
