Coffee and Cameras

Sometimes it takes falling to the bottom to realize what's at the base of it all holding you. Here I see that God is still there, and so are you. For all of your comments, messages, hugs, texts, quotes, advice, or just listening- Thank you.

I need it more than you could know. 

I'm sorry if I worried any of you, I promise I'm still alive and breathing. To prove that here are some pictures. 

sisters and best friends

I can't really tell you that everything is better or that I've got it all figured out. Most of everything is still in that I don't know box. But here are some things I do know.

- A drink is drink no matter which way you look at it -

We tend to define people or situations by which way you choose to see something- the glass half full or half empty. Is it good or is it bad? Are you an optimist or a pessimist? Which side do you choose to see? One of my friends said something interesting and it made me think differently about this concept...

"The glass can be half empty or half full, as long as I have something to drink." -Will Jorden

my ultimate battleship strategy

It's like this- most of the time when you're having a drink somewhere, there's someone that's with you. There's someone sitting next to you or across that table from you. And chances are, you're having a genuine conversation. You're not sitting there sulking or rejoicing over whatever is left in your coffee cup, or mug, or wineglass, or sonic slush (at least I hope you're not). And why should you? There is a person, a human being, sitting across from you. A person who needs you to listen. And chances are, you need them to listen to you too. 

At some point, your glass is going to be completely full or half full.

At some point, your glass is going to be half empty or just empty. 

But that doesn't dictate where the conversation goes or how your time is spent. 

Maybe that's how life is. 

I could tell you the parts of my life that feel empty right now.

I could also tell you the parts of my life that feel full. 

But more importantly, what matters is that I can tell you these things, and you will truly listen and love me. 

I can see my glass, but I can also see you. I think there's a balance in there somewhere. 

Doodle, my miniature donkey

I also can't deny that perspective is important.

-Sometimes you have to see life through a new lens-

my favoritest puppies

It's not always pretty or better or worse. It just is different. It takes a long time to figure out how to work a camera, how to focus the lens properly to take the picture you had in mind. It's not easy. Pictures come out fuzzy. You didn't align the aperture and the shutter speed in the right way. It's overwhelming. But you have to believe that sooner or later something will click. Maybe a beautiful background will fall into place and you'll capture it without even meaning to. 

Maybe you'll spend hours shooting without ever feeling like you captured what you wanted, and it isn't until days later when you upload the pictures to your computer that you see something you didn't see earlier. You couldn't see it then. 

Time takes time you know? 

And that's all I really do know for now. I'm not even sure how much of this I believe in yet, but I'm trying. I'm trying to accept that my glass can feel like something without that meaning I'm just an optimist or pessimist. And through all of that fuzzy glass, I'm still trying to see you. Because I do believe that when people stop truly seeing the people sitting across from them, we've lost meaning. 

My glass is half full and half empty, but I don't want that to be the only meaning. 

"Your friendships reflect the friend you are being... When you find your tribe, hold onto them. Respect them. Love them. Go find people who reflect back to you who you really are." 


"We didn't make a difference at all." -Amy Pond 
"I wouldn't say that. The way I see it, every life is a pile of good things and bad things. Hey. The good things don't always soften the bad things, but vice-versa, the bad things don't necessarily spoil the good things and make them unimportant." - The Doctor 


"It is dreadful when something weighs on your mind, not to have a soul to unburden yourself to. You know what I mean. I tell my piano the things I used to tell you." - Chopin 


"I often think that the night is more alive and more richly colored than the day" - van Gogh

Beauty in Oklahoma, my home

Unraveled

There are times when you feel like you are falling from two thousand stories up in the sky straight down to the ground. Your life is whizzing by and there is nothing to hold onto or save you. And then you hit the ground and your heart shatters into a thousand pieces.


But it is still beating.


Why is that? When our lives fall apart, our hearts keep beating, our lungs keep drawing in air. Why?
I don't know.


This post isn't about having the answers. It isn't even about understanding the questions. Because honestly,
I don't know.

I do know that I am the worst at packing. I dread it more than anything. Doesn't matter if it's towards something great or away from home, I hate packing. Within the last six months or so I have moved at least four times. That's a lot of packing. It's a lot of dreading.
Especially the moving to Seattle- I had the hardest time sorting things into boxes. Over four years of college I had accumulated more belongings than would fit into my car for my next journey. And there I sat at home in the end of those four years, trying to sort my life into-
Trash. Treasure. Give Away. To Seattle. Keepsake box at home.


For someone who hates packing, for someone who is indecisive, and for someone who is emotional over this transition, it was not an easy task. Well some of it was.

All of those trophies and medals I worked so hard for my entire life, every award I was consumed with earning and won every single time I set my eyes on it, every moment of perfection I was obsessed with-
Trash.


Every picture of past friends, every random moment forever captured and saved-
Treasure.

Some of it was easy because enough time had passed for me to see what was important. I could have never thrown away my trophies before that moment. I was too focused on their importance to see beyond that, to see how much unnecessary space they take up (but really, who designs trophies? They have awkward shapes). I was too focused on their importance to see that I was missing out on the beauty of taking a risk to make a mistake in order to risk making something beautiful and wonderful.


And the rest that I couldn't decide on?
I don't know.


And I created a box just for that. An- I don't know I'll figure it out later when my head is clearer and I understand more- box.
And every time I was home since then I would look through the box and see if any of it clearly belonged elsewhere. Sometimes it did. Sometimes it still doesn't.


Welcome to my life right now. I am a mess, and it's not okay. Someday I will be able to look back and tell you what was going on in my life, what was happening to me, how it changed me, and where I am because of it and despite it. But for now,


I don't know.


And that's all I do know. It hurts too much to sort it out right now, my head isn't clear.


A new friend just taught me how to crochet. It's a soothing action. You can get lost in it just like painting, writing... And I've learned some interesting things.


1. You can work for hours and hours crocheting, and if you let go of the hook and pull on the yarn, every single part you slaved over for hours will unravel. Every single time. The simplest of actions will undo everything you've been working towards.


I found this heartbreaking. I mentioned to her how awful it would be to set your project down for two minutes and come back to discover that someone else had pulled the yarn and destroyed everything. She agreed, but then pointed out that on the flip side...

2. When you make a mistake, you can always go back and fix it. You're not stuck with anything permanently.


Maybe that's how our lives are. We are constantly knitting our lives together and sometime we make a mistake. Or maybe someone unravels everything we've done. And even though the yarn isn't the same after that happens, it's not ruined. You can begin again. You can make something new. You are devastated, but the yarn shows you the truth- it can become something again. You are shattered and heartbroken, but your heart keeps on beating- life is not over.


For now, let's be honest though. I'm full of I don't knows. It's not okay. I'm not okay. I'm unraveled.
It is what it is and I can't stop that or fight it or pretend otherwise.
For now this is still a confusing thing for me, because it feels like it is ruined, it is over.

 But I can't deny what the yarn and my beating heart are saying. That I will go on. Someday I will pick the tools up and begin creating again. Someday I will get up off the ground and marvel that I survived. 


"We've all been searching for the five doppelgangers, right? Well eventually, over time, we all become our own doppelgangers. These completely different people who just happen to look like us. Five years ago? That girl was pretty great. But the doppelganger? She's amazing." - How I Met Your Mother


ps. Send any hugs, love, favorite quotes, good thoughts, and inspiration my way. This is me asking for your help, I assure you I need it. And one more thing? Thanks for being there. It means a lot to me.